Run Away

I wrote this one evening last winter when life was pressing in on all sides.  I desperately needed to relieve the pressure so I took myself off to visit a glow worm population that inhabits a damp cliff face by our local stream.  There was no light pollution and no moon - only starlight (which is pretty magical) and the luminescence of the glow worms which, sprinkled amongst the ferns, messed with my depth perception as I marvelled my way slowly along their communities.   After a while I sat down by the stream, running my hands through the icy current and allowing the soothing water to wash away the last of my lingering distress.  Enjoy 🙂


Run Away
from the Loud
the Lights
the Overwhelm

Run Away
to the quiet
dark
and still places

where only soft silver starlight illuminates the world

space and time collide 
and all that exists is me - in this moment

water wends its way to the sea
carrying away my cares to its infinite depths
cooling and calming
my head
my heart

it caresses
embraces
i am home

Run Away with me
see what we can be
when we are free

Too Much

A short observation I wrote in a notebook back in July 2021 whilst enjoying a proper chai latte (in a mug not a glass!) at my favourite local café which (very) sadly had to close its doors after Christmas having struggled (like many other small businesses) in these challenging and uncertain times.

Living in the country, trips to town are events rather than outings and my little chai ritual helped in fortifying myself to tackle the inevitably extensive list of errands which invariably culminated in a long and stressful trip to the supermarket before heading for home – it was a lovely way to balance the day.

I laugh too much, I cry too much
I think too much, I worry too much
I love to much, I hurt to much
I care to much, I give too much
I feel too much, I hide too much
I smile too much, I hug too much

I am too much and yet, somehow

I am not enough

P

November Spa in NZ (better late than never!)

sensationally sensory 

bathing in the naked glow of a lightbulb moon

reflections in

       and on 
         
              and dancing all around me


warm water embraces, caresses

icy gusts tug at my hair  

my eyes water


i squint and the lightbulb becomes a kaleidoscope

closing one eye, winking 

the moon jumps over my nose


the chill wind lifts the hairs on my arms 

it whips away my warmth 

exposed skin vulnerable


drawing more from the water

i enjoy the juxtaposition of sensations

the flow of heat in 

          and through 

                     and away from me


i stare into the depthless twilight

blue skies darken 

almost imperceptibly


unrelenting 

the cold moon shines 

brighter with self-satisfaction


eventually, i become aware there's a star 

the faintest of awakenings 

i blink and there's another


they appear slowly at first 

hiding themselves if i look straight into them

but then there are dozens 

hundreds 

thousands


unfazed by their sister 

they augment her light with their own

cold and yet warm 

ancient

timeless


imaginary lines connect the dots

the southern cross

orion's belt or alternatively 

the pot


satisfied

i withdraw 


the wind delights in all of me

i stand there shivering for a moment

then wrap myself up in a giant towel


sliding into bed 

i am accutely aware of the clean, fresh sheets

their smell 

their sound 

their feel


i lay my head 


it sinks into a soft cloud of feathers

and i close my eyes


i listen to the comforting sound of the dishwasher 

and the low humming of the fridge


the wind sounds like waves crashing on the shore


i fall asleep dreaming of the ocean

The Wisdom of Sir Terry Pratchett

A man whose genius improved with age and for whom Death came too soon.

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong.
No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

Terry Pratchett – Reaper Man

Also…

in memory of Robin Williams

the brighter the light, the darker its shadows.

Carl Jung

Light

have you ever felt like your heart is going to explode?
like a star going supernova

every cell in your body effervescing with so much joy and happiness 
it's surely impossible to contain it all 

laughter bubbles up
an overflow of delight

starlight twinkles in your eyes
an extension of your smile

************************************

sometimes it's a silent explosion 
internal combustion in a quiet moment of absolute perfection

the smell of a hot, spicy chai or a bright morning after heavy rain
the sound of your child breathing, in a deep and restful sleep
the sight of your best friend, after too much time away
the touch of the ocean as it embraces you – welcoming you home
the taste of a handmade honey truffle as it melts into heaven in your mouth

a smell, a sound, a look, a touch, a taste

your senses ensnared 
light expands through your soul 
filling it with warmth 
until darkness is but a faint memory

Dark

have you ever felt like there's a giant black hole in your soul? 

a sentient monster that no matter what you feed it
it always wants more, more, MORE

sometimes you think it's satiated
but it's only slumbering - 
one eye slitted

watching

waiting 

biding its time until you're tired 
or alone 
or overwhelmed by life, or your thoughts
or the state of the world

then it awakens 

once more clawing its way through the cracks in your defenses
that hunger which cannot be satisfied

you feed it with sugar, alcohol, drugs -
it grows bigger and hungrier

you escape into fictional fantasy worlds -
it makes reality harder to live in

you distract yourself with music and art and things that bring you joy -
it shrinks until it's almost imperceptible, but never disappears completely

so you fight it with light
spreading love and laughter and kindness 
in the hope that no one else will ever feel so empty and alone 

the way that you do

but it only makes the hole deeper -
smiling on the outside when you're nothing on the inside

************************************

sometimes the emptiness grows so large it devours you completely 
leaving you curled and alone
small and naked 
the darkness pressing in on all sides

it's hard to let people in 
the doors are shut
the curtains are drawn
there is no way out

you're a wraith walking around in your own body

************************************

the darkness likes having you all to itself – three's a crowd after all

it whispers in your ear
caresses you lovingly
“stay here with me – I can take away your pain”

your head knows it's a lie but your heart aches to obey

“YOU are my pain” you cry into the void

you reach out a hand and the soft susurrations turn to silent screams 
“worthless, hopeless, useless, fat, ugly, 
broken, fucked-up, sorry excuse for a human!”

you retreat - curling back into yourself

************************************

If you have ever felt like this 
please know you are NOT alone

keep reaching out
keep your hand extended

somebody will grasp it in theirs

strong and sure
and pull you up, up, up

they'll embrace you in their warmth 
shine a light with the unspoken awareness that   You.  Are.  Loved. 
even when you don't love yourself
their heart will beat for both of you, when yours is too heavy to carry on

the darkness will recede 
until the candle burns low again and the light flickers 

it's easy to forget 
and the darkness is always waiting 

if the light goes out - reach out

Yin Yang (a not quite haiku)

light and dark combine
joy and sorrow together
forever entwined